Dear Future Mrs.
Recent circumstances have led me to think about you or who you might be someday. These thoughts have been doing backbends in my mind for days, some thoughts even for weeks. The thoughts have been working themselves out as I have trusted them to the Lord. I have prayed for peace, and He has answered. Writing this publicly makes me nervous, but if it points anyone to Jesus then my transparency here is worth it. You may never read these words. And the “you” I imagine might not be you at all. Maybe you wonder about me. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, this is what I have to offer you, whoever you are, wherever you are:
It was my fault too. We were two humans that got married and made human mistakes. No one person holds all the blame. We sinned against each other in different ways. I wasn’t as respectful as I should have been. I wasn’t as submissive as I should have been. I didn’t love in a way that always honored God or him. I was selfish, oh so selfish. So you see, we were human. I am a sinner. I made a royal mess out of wife-hood, and I have to live with the things I said and the ways I reacted to things I didn’t like. But oh, praise the Lord for his loving-kindness and mercy over my sins!
I can’t give you the whole story. A lot happened, both good and bad, and those memories, all of them, are precious to me. The good times are mine to keep. The bad times are between me and the Lord. Like Hezekiah who foolishly showed the king of Babylon all that was in his house only later to be robbed of all that he had, I fear that sharing too much is simply unwise. The storehouses of my heart and mind are only privy to those closest to me, and the Lord helps me to unburden those places in his timing, in his way.
It was a big deal. Marriage is a covenant, a binding promise, a vow. Marriage is a spiritual union, not just a legal one that can be undone with some paperwork. The separation of souls is much more painful. I don’t know how it all works, and I don’t know that my ex-husband’s perspective is the same as mine, but that doesn’t matter. I’m letting God deal with my heart. I don’t understand God’s plan for working out my messes, but I know that he is faithful and just. I know that he is merciful. God will rebuild me and and he will restore me. He already has done so much. It may seem like I should have been “over” this by now. I don’t know how long this process will take or when it will be over, but my eyes are focused on Jesus in this matter. That’s the only name that matters to me. He is the healer of broken hearts, broken spirits, and broken lives. God has healed and restored already more than what I could have imagined in a lifetime. I can only hope and trust that he will continue to redeem what I made a mess of. With his future plans he will restore the years that were lost because he is good. I am ok. Yes, there were times that I felt like I was dying, literally, but the Lord is merciful, gracious and good. He provided me with a safe-haven for healing, and he is still doing that work in my heart. It has been slow, but I have learned to be wary of things that happen too fast.
I wish you the best. I’m not glad I got divorced, and don’t think “it was for the best.” I don’t think God’s heart is for divorce. It doesn’t line up with his character. But, he is bigger than my understanding, and he is sovereign in all things. He works all things together for the good of those who love him. He forgives and blesses in ways I don’t understand. What’s done is done, and I am moving forward. The Lord will provide. There is hope. I have a future. I’m not necessarily looking for my next husband, but I trust that if a husband is what God has for me, he will provide it, and he will be a man of God. I have no desire to interfere with you or your life. I only look in the rear-view mirror occasionally for perspective, but I don’t want to turn the car around. I’m on a one-way street heading true north. I pray that God doesn’t let me look to the right or to the left. You are in my peripheral vision, but your path is not my path. My heart toward you is this: Keep your eyes on Jesus, not on someone else, not on me, not on your circumstances. This is my only opinion, my only piece of advice: Jesus. When I wish you the best, I wish you more of Jesus.
Lean not on your own understanding. If you devote yourself to seeking the heart of Jesus, you won’t be disappointed. Relationships are better when your eyes are focused heavenward. Love well because of the love Jesus gives you. Pray without ceasing. Be in the Word daily so that you may know the Lord’s will and the Lord’s heart for you. Obey what the Lord tells you through his Word. Let the Lord love you first, and everything else will fall into place. You will love better if you love Christ first. This is my one-string guitar. This is the only song I know: Jesus. It’s the only answer I can give you. It’s the only thing I know to be true. It’s the only thing worth anything. Love like Jesus loves. Forgive like Jesus forgives. See your spouse the way Jesus sees him. See yourself the way Jesus sees you. Let Jesus be your everything. He’s the only answer I have to give.
Ever so sincerely,
14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.